i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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