nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Vodka?
Forever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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