he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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