And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
