The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
