I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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