I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
