Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i will never coherently bang her
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
