Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
