all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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