my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
