I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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