I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
