I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
