so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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