i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
