I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
