She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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