i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
try to milk me bitch
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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