You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
