There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
