You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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