ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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