i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
