i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
