Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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