She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
