he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every concussion has its silver lining
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
