if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
