Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
