Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
