I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
