I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
