If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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