my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
