I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your penis caused this!
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