I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
