What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
love makes seman taste better
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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