It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I only lived at night.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
