absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
