Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
