So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
