I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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