He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
