There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
