Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
