I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why can't burritos get me drunk
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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