She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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