Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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