If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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